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Unbelievable experience
By Bestdad336 on January 22, 2017
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StepbyStepMom Bestdad the only thing you can control is your behaviour. Do what you can to shield and protect your children from their mom's behaviours so if you can be calm and role model to your kids how adults should respond to conflict. Ie keeping the negative feelings you have for her to yourself and your supports.Being calm and being a good role model requires good boundaries and LOTS of self care. Just keep documenting and the evidence will speak for itself. I'm sorry you have to go though this. Depending on their ages, they may benefit from supports from other friends or family members. Having someone to talk to -for yourself and for your kids, will help them. Counselling might be a good avenue to explore, but I'm not sure how supportive your ex would be around this. Best to you.
Bestdad336 Thanks stepbystepmom, I always keep the negative thoughts aeay from our children. Last night on the telephone my oldest daughter of 6 years of age me who I was. I told her daddy, she says I dont have a dad. I know where and how she got that answer, and instead of saying something that could be hurtful, I renforced her that I am still dad. Although we dont see each other on a daily basis, I'm still dad and always will be dad. I don't want to down my future ex wife, she can be a very good person at times. I just know we can't live together anymore, and I really couldn't put up with my children being exposed to the things they were being exposed to. I just want all the craziness of the divorce to over with. In a nutshell if she would be willing to co parent with me I would be happy. I havent told the whole story just a comdensed version, just last week the state police showed up at my work to talk to me aboit a December post in Facebook which I "purged" my negative thoughts about the year. Because I used the word Purge they wanted to know what i meant by that. I told the tropper read the post and do not take the word out of context. As I move one she remains stuck in one place.
StepbyStepMom Document, document, document. Make it factual when you do document. Im not sure what state you are in, but most should have an ethics or professional guideline for social workers that your ex should be following. There should be a board that monitors conduct by workers. I dont know if at this point you have enough (documenting will help you gather that evidence) to make a complaint but it doesn't hurt to get your ducks lined up. The more research you do, the more tools you have, the better. It will give you a sense of control back. Self care is very important to manage high conflict/highly stressful situations. You will need to replenish yourself as you move through this. For you and for your children.
Bestdad336 The sad part is even with the documentation, she still seems to put in this great persin persona. It has worked for a ling time, but now people are catching on to her ways. My children are the victims in this whole matter, and she doesn't get it at all. I get it, I come from a high conflict divorce and so does she. The difference is I know the damage it caused me, she doesn't she the damge it caused her and now hurts our two children.
DivorcePro Coach Karen provides excellent advice. You need to step up as a responsible dad despite the challenges you are facing, not as a victim. You can't be resentful and vindictive and win at successful co-parenting. Choose your battles, be a role model for your children and think before you act for every decision you make. I, too, highly recommend Bill Eddy's work.
Bestdad336 I am not a victim at all, nor do i want to portray one. I was sharing my experiences that thought were outrageous. I dont my children to have to go through. I haven't even wrote all the really bad stuff, I just want civility and she continues to want conflict. I have read about high conflict divorce since being pointed in the right direction. Bill Eddy is spot on about a lot of things I've gone through.
CoachKaren Educate, educate, educate... google "How narcissists destroy relationships" today. Start reading and learn strategies for coping with complex situations like you have. Then jump over and read anything from Bill Eddy at The High Conflict Institute about co-parenting with a high-conflict parent. Whether your children's mother is a narcissist or high conflict is NOT the point (nor am I suggesting she is...that would be very unfair and wrong), but the strategies for managing this situation will be the same for you. No luxury of feeling like a victim; get in the driver's seat of how you'll parent your children and how to move forward. If your attorney is baffled or feeling helpless along with you, it's time to do a consult with an attorney who serves as a GAL or Parenting Coordinator who has insight into how best to keep you, your children's mother and most importantly, your children safe so that everyone can move forward. Hope this helps!!!!
Bestdad336 Thank you so much.
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