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How does one move on?
By ern261452 on November 26, 2016
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DrD Moving on means different things to people because every situation is unique. Maybe reframing your situation will help you feel better about yourself - rather than focusing on - 'how to move on.' Moving on is complicated by many factors. Possibly ask yourself why you keep doing whatever he wants you to do. There is always a short (makes me feel good in the moment) and a long answer (more complicated and hard to think about) to most questions. Possibly the short answer is possibly it feels good in the moment and curbs the loneliness. Helps you to keep your family intact - in some regard. But is that really healthy for you at this time? Does doing that make you feel good about your situation, your future? Possibly taking the stance that you have to move on off the table, will take some of the pressure off of yourself, and redirect some of your energy to you. What do you want? Why do you return? Is this a good direction for you? Can you set healthier boundaries so that if you choose to stay - you do it for the right not the wrong (short term) reasons? Ultimately, you will need to decide when you are ready to move on -but in the interim, I think its important to think about the message that your husband is sending you - meaning he said he needs space, growth, etc but its been a year. What's his plan? A year is a long time (and selfish) to ask of another person without a plan or an endgame.
BLW0616 If you ask me, the urging that so many of us receive to "move on" after divorce is unhelpful. More specifically, when that advice is offered by those from the outside looking in, judging us, and judging the time frame by which we should heal, right the single parenting ship, and right the financial ship as well, this last often precarious in the first few years after a split. One year out from being left? I say you should give yourself a break. One year isn't very long, and abandonment is a terrible thing to get through. Those who have been through it, those who live contentious splits and their aftermath, those who are having to pick up the pieces of that sort of devastation will understand that you don't magically become whole again. Time really does help. Loving our children really does help. Speaking honestly with others who have been through it really does help. Knowing your situation will get better -- and it will -- but on your time table, and no one else's -- that too helps. Several years ago I wrote something on "the myth of moving on after divorce" -- and it felt good to write it, to express my anger at the expectations of others who had no idea how rough things were (because their situations were so different in every way). Perhaps you'll get something out of it. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/23/the-myth-of-moving-on-aft_n_4827339.html Be kind to yourself. Keep reading here, on this site, and know that others ache too and it isn't their "fault" any more than it's yours. I repeat -- give yourself that time. I wish you all the best.
AJ0113 As a woman, we spend our lives invested in parenting, being a spouse or being a caretaker overall for others. Although, this may bring fulfillment our interests are lost in the shuffle. My first suggestion is to go back to the time before you became a mom or had a significant other. What did you like, love and were passion about? The same way he has made the decision to grow and experience life now is that time for you. Second, find a reliable babysitter so you can treat yourself to some self-care. I truly believe if we are not together physically and mentally we are not able to give our child(ren) the best of us. Remember we are nurturing our children to leave the nest and be productive in the world. We should never feel guilty about putting ourselves first. You have to learn to enjoy time with yourself such as taking yourself to dinner, seeing a movie, a spa day, taking in a show at the theater, planning a girls night out, or take a cooking class. Also, there are support groups in respective areas for single parents, join one so you can connect with other adults. I have found having a strong and supportive network allows you to overcome a great deal. Thirdly, be more proactive with the power of NO. I have learned people will only do what we allow. You are not obligated to be at anyone's beckon call. In the interest of your child, establish a co-parenting schedule so your daughter can see involvement from both parents. This will allow time for you to catch up on your priorities. Also remember your daughter is watching and you want to set the best example for her in terms of her relationship choices. We are approaching a new year which is an excellent time to set some new goals for yourself and your daughter. Focus on yourself, first and foremost, there is no such existence as being lonely if we are surrounding ourselves with the positivity. Wishing you peace and blessings. AJ(divorced, mom of 2)
suddenlysingle I can relate to this, it's hard being alone and raising children, my guess is you have no family around you for support ? The only way to get out of this cycle is to make life happen. You can do this by reaching out to all that is around you, there will be single parents just like you who you can befriend, at your child's playgroup or schools, or joining a charity that need help. It's easy to stay stuck than face the unknown, but you can change it. You are mourning the loss of the life that you once knew, but divorce can be a great springboard for change. Don't feel alone ( particularly at this time of year ), and don't suffer alone anymore. Do small things everyday to make changes , tiny steps that you are comfortable with.. start writing in a journal of how you are feeling and the hopes and wishes for your future .. relaxation and mindfulness help anxiety, there are lots of these on you tube .. Tx
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