Hey Cheaters, Mistresses-in-Waiting, Adulterers, Gold-diggers and Basic N’er do Wells who Make Nice Women’s Lives Hell. How’s it going? Have you had an illicit rendevouz lately? Or in this bad economy has the well run dry?
You know, a lot of holiday affairs lead to “holiday affairs,” so let’s bone-up, shall we? I wouldn’t want you to miss out on an opportunity to break up a marriage. To prove it WON’T last the test of time.
First of all my dear Holiday ho’s, don’t scope the party the second you get there. Saunter in confidently, make a b-line for the host or hostess and check in. If you are single, they will make a big deal of introducing you to single men, the kind you have no interest in.
If you don’t want to be hit on by the Single Ones, you will then secretly slip a ring on your wedding finger. It’ll keep the sad, needy singles away. The Fake Ring Maneuver is also a good way to find the Adulterers you fancy. Or perhaps you want to break-in a Virgin Cheater. You could be his first! Now, there’s a challenge you are up for! This party just got good.
A word of caution: Virgin Cheaters (what a conundrum!) may mistakenly think you want a relationship with them. You know, one that fulfills every need they never knew they needed until they met special-special you. Don’t be fooled!
After a nice enough amount of time you will spot The One. Your laser eyes will notice the wedding band on his hand as you confidently walk to the liquor area and pour yourself a drink. A Man’s Drink.
You already know how men like their scotch. But a women who drinks it? Irresistible!!!
Then you will swish-swish your way towards him in your flowy dress. The kind his wife never wears anymore. We’ve all seen enough episodes of “Scandal” and “Mad Men” to know what happens next. The sexual innuendo laden conversation leads to the jaunt down the hall to find an empty bed to soil. You are a Proper Guest so you remake the bed with hospital corners to hide the randy rendezvous.
The man, having just been released from the bonds of marital everything will exit first to let you clean up. You pray they are not the kind of Virgin Cheater who mistakenly thinks you want a relationship with them. He will either feel elation, confusion, or nothing at all. You are confident you have chosen a man who will feel the latter. That way you can enjoy the rest of the holiday season. When he stands around the Christmas tree for his holiday family photo, you will be certain YOU are the reason for his Grinch-y grin. That stupid idiot-woman next to him has no clue it ever happened. That’s the best present ever!
I hope you have found this DIY Ruin A Marriage Kit helpful. Take it with you to refer to at parties but please, please, don’t pass it along…