Endless love, maybe your first love, The One you want to share all of your love and life with, because no one else will do! Have you heard this before? Is it familiar, does it ring true today, or is your marriage coming up against roadblocks and “hard things to deal with?” Maybe all of the above! Do you mind the roadblocks, are you willing to break them down, go through fire, allow yourself to be vulnerable, to learn how to “attach,” to feel your feelings, and turn towards each other with your “endless love,” or are the challenges and trials just too overwhelming, unbearable, and realistically impossible to break down and heal from individually and together as a couple, as the love of one another’s lives?
“Y” You Must Be Mindful of Yourself and Your Spouse:
“Y” must you be mindful of, be aware of, and carefully, patiently consider your marriage “roadblocks” before you make any decision that will undoubtedly change the course of your life forever? The answer is pretty straight forward and clear. The big “D” word, divorce changes your lives forever. In fact, choosing to go down that rough, rocky, drowning, heart wrenching, heartbreaking road of divorce changes your life and your children’s lives forever. Divorce changes who your innocent, beautiful children are, and who they were meant to be forever; research has already proven this with valid, measureable, reliable information.
Research shows that divorce increases depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress, addictions, detachment, disassociation, suicidal thoughts, and suicide. If these are not enough reasons to be mindful of yourself, your spouse, your children, and your family in order to heal and put your heart and soul back into your marriage, then I don’t know what could. Divorce is not ever just about you and your spouse; it is about your children, all of you as a family! It is about your extended family and your truest friends; it has a domino effect on all of your family members and loved ones in your life. Think about this, and take your time!
“Y” Should You Be Willing to Take a Second Chance?:
“Y” should you be willing to take a “second chance” at love with your spouse? No one can deny the love that you “feel” for your spouse. Only you know if you are willing to rebuild your marriage, to climb that mountain with your spouse in order to stand tall and strong together again. I can tell you that it is worth the climb! Do you want to share all of your love with your spouse again the way that you did the day you said “I do?” Listen carefully to what your feelings are, and what your body are telling you; they tell you the truth! Honor and believe in your own “knowing!”
Did you know that the most important person in the entire world for you to take good care of is You, and the most important person in the entire world for you to be able to trust is You? When you honor yourself in these two essential and significant ways, you are honoring your marriage, your spouse, your children, and your family! You cannot take good care of, emotionally connect, and “turn towards” your spouse, the love of your life, if you do not take good care of You or Trust yourself first. You are worthy of this kind of “selfless, self-love, and self-care!” You can rebuild your marriage, and call your spouse your “endless love” once more; it is worth it!
“Y” Is Your Entire Family Worth It?:
“Y” are you, your spouse, your children, and your entire family worth putting your heart and soul into your marriage? The answer is that your life matters as a couple, and as a family! Whether you have children or not, you are still a family. You and your spouse are worthy of giving yourselves and each other a “second chance.” You have to believe this first. If there happens to be domestic violence, abuse, repeated infidelities, or addictions with no foreseeable chance at sobriety, then the “roadblocks” to rebuilding your marriage may be impossible to breakdown; only you know your own circumstance. If it is possible to break down your roadblocks as individuals and as a couple, then you both deserve to feel like your hearts beat as one again, turning towards each other, feeling and hearing one another’s thoughts and feelings. This allows you to come closer together, to reconnect and feel like you are as one. It is possible, and it is worth it. No one can deny the love you have inside, and you can share it with your “endless love” again! It takes work, focus, commitment, genuine effort, endless energy, and the willingness to be vulnerable.
The good news is that it is possible to breakdown your roadblocks and renew your marriage. In fact, if you do so, each doing your part, then your marriage can become stronger and more resilient than you could have ever imagined. Did you know that as human beings we are resist change? The funny thing is, life is changing every moment of every day. What makes it challenging for us to change as individuals and as a couple is that we must be willing to acknowledge and be accountable for our part, be vulnerable, and willing to break ineffective habits, and behaviors that are not good for us or for one another. But, with verbal and non-verbal commitment, positive, healthy changes you need to make individually and together as a couple will happen. If you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you will “feel” it deep in your hearts and in your souls; it will be the dawning of a new beginning for you, for your children, and for your family! Pay close attention to the word, “feel.” You must allow yourself to “feel” your feelings.
“Y” Do You Want to Share Your Life With the One Who Brings You Joy?
The answer to “Y” you may want to put your heart and soul into your marriage, feeling the joy you once felt for one another, beginning with the day you fell in love is quite simple. Here it is, life is not greener on the other side of the hill. Have you heard this statement before? Well, there’s a reason for that; it’s because the majority of the time it is the truth. If you have habits and behaviors you need to change, if we resist being able to be authentically intimate, if we are detached or disassociate ourselves with our spouse and our family, then we will automatically repeat this with someone else; it is inevitable.
Many of us have been raised with a decreased level of “attachment” to our parents as children. The level of which we detach and disassociate ourselves within our relationships varies greatly, but it is a real thing that affects every one of us as human beings. If we cannot attach, be emotionally intimate, be willing to be vulnerable and “feel” our feelings, turn towards our spouse and family, hear them, and be there for them, then we will not be capable of doing this with any other future relationship. The research is significant concerning the power that attachment plays in our lives. Everything we do in our relationships as human beings is based on how we attached as newborn babies, and as children to our parents and the family system we grew up in.
So remember, the grass is most likely not greener on the other side of the hill. Take good care of You, and be willing to do the work necessary to work through your own attachment challenges, heal from them, learn new tools and skills to allow yourself to be genuinely vulnerable, “feel” your feelings, turn towards and truly connect with your sweetheart, your children, and your family. What will happen when you choose to do this? You will see life in a whole new light, you will feel genuine love and give genuine love in return like you have never imagined possible. You, your sweetheart, your children, and your family are worth the sweat, the tears, moving through past grief and loss, and then climbing to the top of your mountain. You will stand in your own power, you will “feel” your own feelings deeply, and you will “feel” greater joy than you ever knew existed in this life!
In conclusion, there is one outstanding piece of research that is accessible to all of us about being able to successfully put your heart and soul back into your marriage that I would like to highly recommend to all couples who may be struggling with their own individual challenges, and challenges within their marriage. It is called the “Gottman Institute.” It was founded by Dr. John Gottman. His work continues to be a significant, effective, and instrumental solution for couples who have the desire to put their hearts and souls back into their marriage. The name of their program is “Gottman Couples Therapy.” Their work is research-based. Today they help thousands of couples around the world work through, heal, and rebuild their lives as couples through their profoundly effective programs. I have seen their work in action, and I am a believer! At the end of the day, putting your heart and soul back into your marriage is Just That; it’s allowing yourself to be vulnerable in “feeling” your feelings, being willing to turn towards one another, connecting with one another intimately. This means emotionally first and foremost, something we do not talk enough about. I encourage you to reach out to the Gottman Institute, and take that leap of faith, that “second chance,” because it is worth it! This is your life, your marriage, your children, and your family! Value it, make it your highest priority, honor it. Your marriage and your life will value and honor you in return!
Lisa LaBelle, MSC, ACMHC is the founder of Hope After Divorce, HopeAfterDivorce.blogspot.com, and HopeAfterHealing.com. She is a licensed Associate Clinical Mental Health Counselor. Lisa has a B.S. degree in Education and a Master’s of Science degree in Counseling. Her counseling work centers on families, individuals, and children experiencing divorce, grief, and loss. Lisa is a family and child advocate, and a published author. Her work includes, Hope After Divorce, Hope After Divorce Support Group Program, and Hope After Healing Support Group Program for Youth. She has been an educator for over 25 years and a divorce consultant for over 15 years. Lisa has been a contributing expert for several publications, including, HopeAfterHealing.com, FamilyShare.com, LAFAmily.com, and its sister publications, CupidsPulse.com, and DivorceForce.com. She works to make resources, helpful information and support, community response efforts, and programs available for individuals, families, and children experiencing divorce, grief, and loss. You can contact Lisa at [email protected]. Visit Lisa’s blog, www.hopeafterdivorce.blogspot.com and her website, www.hopeafterhealing.com. In her spare time, Lisa loves to play in the outdoors, travel, and enjoy activities and time with her family and friends.