When the two of us were first together many years ago and we got into battles of control (like a lot of couples)…
Susie would think she was being controlled and Otto would think he was at the same time.
It was almost comical when both of us said the very same thing in a situation that came up time and time again…
“I’m feeling controlled by you!”
“No, I’m feeling controlled by you!”
We learned it was all perspective–and it was all the way we were each thinking about the situation.
It was about the fearful thinking we were making real.
Relationship control issues come from nothing more or less than a conscious or unconscious attempt to get needs met whether you think you’re being controlled or you’re being accused of being too controlling.
This all comes from the thoughts you believe and make real in every moment.
Often the thoughts happen so quickly and they’re so practiced you’re not even aware of them.
There’s usually an underlying fear that if you don’t get your needs met, you won’t be okay.
Control is an attempt to try to make the other person and the situation be the way you want, even though according to the other person, they are just fine the way they are.
It’s one of the major reasons people lose trust in a relationship and decide to separate.
Whether you’re the one who thinks you’re being controlled or you’re being accused of being too controlling…
You’re only and always bringing the past into the present moment or visualizing a fearful future.
If you have control issues in your relationship, here are 3 new ways to see “control” so you can get out of the loop and move toward love more quickly…
1) Control is made up.
Two different people can be in the same situation and have two very different reactions.
For example, two of our friends experience “backseat” drivers totally differently.
One takes offense to suggestions about which route to take or when to change lanes.
He takes it as criticism and that it’s a judgment about his driving. So there’s an argument.
The other friend doesn’t take offense to driving suggestions and sometimes takes them, sometimes not. He isn’t bothered by the “backseat” driving because he doesn’t take it as criticism.
There is no argument.
What’s the difference?
Both have people in the car who want to tell them how to drive but one person doesn’t take it personally and the other makes up stories about what the suggestions mean.
And it usually means that something is lacking within him, which isn’t true.
It just means there are two people in the car with different ideas about the situation.
2) When you feel like you’re being controlled, you usually believe insecure thinking about yourself.
You are looking outside yourself for validation and not finding it so you try to do what you think the other person wants.
Then you get angry or withdraw.
It’s like you’re saying…
“I’d better do what they want or agree with what they say because I think I’m not going to get something if I don’t.”
But that strategy never works.
Are there people who really want you to be and act differently and try to control your actions?
But instead of looking outside and blaming, you can look inside you to see if you’re somehow arguing with reality–that you want the other person to be and act differently as well.
You can also see what you’re getting out of the situation you’re in and if you want to continue.
3) You have choice.
Just because someone thinks you should be or act a certain way, you can choose whether to buy into that viewpoint or not.
And you can choose not to react from a place of fear.
This is so apparent when it comes to jealousy.
There’s the common scenario of the woman who’s perceived as “controlling” because her partner is looking at other women and she argues with him about it.
There’s also the “controlling” man who wants to dictate the type of clothing his partner wears because, in his eyes, he doesn’t want her to be too desirable to other men.
Although there’s no one solution to either of these scenarios and we’re not advocating for any viewpoint, it does come down to choice and how each person wants to live their lives.
To continue having control issues is a waste of your precious life.
Even though it doesn’t look like it, you do have choice.
This article originally appeared at https://susieandotto.com/control-issues/.
In 1997, Susie and Otto Collins were just two acquaintances who were just coming out of flat, painful long-term marriages that had ended in divorce. Shortly after that, they had a “Soulmate experience” and as they say “the rest is history.” They are now coaches and mentors to thousands of men, women, and couples all over the world who want to have more love, passion, and connection in their relationships, marriages, and lives. They’ve written and created some very successful and helpful books, courses and programs including “Magic Relationship Words”, “Should You Stay or Should You Go?”, Stop Talking On Eggshells”, “Relationship Trust Turnaround”, “Hypnotize His Heart” and many others. You can learn more about Susie and Otto at https://susieandotto.com.