While the stigma of divorce seems to be lessening, I'm sure we divorcees can agree that we have felt it at one point or another. Someone notices your name change on social media and asks a few too many personal questions. Your family comments on your marital status and inability to "keep a man/woman" when you attend the family reunion. Call me crazy, but I even feel a slight sting every time I have to check the "Divorced" box on a medical form. Why is that necessary information? Are you not going to try to save my life, Doc, if I'm divorced?
Nowhere is the painful stigma of divorce felt quite as strongly as in tight-knit, conservative religious communities. I know because I grew up in one and continue to be part of one to this day. Having a grandfather as a pastor, I was introduced to the faith from birth. And that faith was and continues to be an integral part of my life. My faith has situated me in a community of believers who love and support my children and me - something I especially needed during my separation and divorce.
Seeing as it is a very conservative sect that I belong to, divorce is (understandably) not encouraged. I understand this, as I, too, believe that marriage is sacred and not to be taken lightly. For some in my faith, divorce should never be an option, though. Ever. But as much as I tried not to become part of this divorced outliers club, it happened, and I saw it bring out the best and worst in people.
Let's do the bad news first: people will judge you. This is obviously true even if you're not from a religious background, but in a conservative community, they might feel more comfortable doing it publicly. For instance, I once had a man in the church call me out from the pulpit one Sunday morning. That was an emotional morning--I remember making it to the glass doors at the back of the church before sobs racked my body. I also had a minister who had counseled my ex and me and knew the details of our separation tell me that I had cause for divorce but that if I chose to go through with it, I would lead a lonely life. Translation: I could get a divorce, but I could not date and remarry. To a twenty-something young mother with a toddler and infant, that was devastating. Finally, some of the rumors about myself floating around made it back to me (apparently I was spoiled as a child and that caused me to fail as a wife).
The good news is that the critics (at least the vocal ones) are fewer in number and less in force than the supporters. I've had more people pray for me than call me out. I've had more people offer help than a harsh word. I've had more love shown than harshness. In fact, I am fortunate to go to a church now where the members know that I'm a divorced, single mother, and I've not experienced judgment. Instead, the pastors and members (many of which belong to blended families) lift me up in prayer, send me encouraging texts and emails, and shower my children and me with love on a weekly basis. They have put their faith into action, and it has inspired me.
If faith was a central part of your life prior to the divorce, there is no reason to ditch it during or after. Focus on the good--the good people, the good word, the good worship, the good support. And if you're not finding that at your current place of worship, consider finding a new one. Lastly, I'll leave you with the mantra I clung to when I was at a low point in my faith because of words that had been said to and about me: my faith was never meant to be placed in men and women, but in God. And because He is my father, He loves me unconditionally--divorce and all.
Lindsey Light is a single mom to Deacon and Nora. Lindsey is a Lecturer in Composition at the University of Dayton. Lindsey is an avid sports fan and enjoys her relatively quiet life in the Midwest. Connect with Lindsey at www.Facebook.com/Lindseylight4
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