I wanted to share with you my experience working with Maria recently and share the marriage problem she had and wanted advice for – in case it may help you…
Maria had been married to Darren for 8 years, together for 16. He’s the only person she had been in a serious relationship with. She loves him deeply. But what kept her up at night was the fact that she no longer found him attractive or interesting anymore.
She often wondered what it would be like to be with someone else. She couldn’t help but reflect on the past, what had happened to them and their relationship since they first met. She hadn’t cheated on him and wasn’t planning too, but she often wondered what it would be like to be with someone else.
It broke her heart just thinking about how hurt he would be to find out that she felt bored in his company, with his talk of work and that she no longer wanted to kiss or be held by him. She wondered if this marriage problem was a sign the marriage was over.
They had been together for 16 years and she couldn’t imagine life without him, they had a beautiful boy and girl which kept life busy, but there was zero excitement in the relationship. She was sick and tired with the same routine, and the way they were relating on a day to day basis.
The problem was she did nothing…
She was too scared to bring it up because she didn’t know how to say it, without making things worse. Darren was always tired and so was she, she doesn’t find it easy to share information. So Maria stayed silent. Suffering in her own circling doubts, she soon became depressed.
Maria felt stuck. Sometimes thinking it was best to leave, questioning why she was staying in the marriage when the love and passion were dead. Then other times she would tell herself that she should be grateful with what he has got, beautiful children, husband that provides and has a good job and that she should just be happy. He hadn’t done anything wrong after all. Plus she just couldn’t imagine what would happen to the children if they split.
She didn’t know how to address this marriage problem.
So she did the worse thing possible…
Started to believe that married life was like this. That she needed to accept being miserable, bored and wait it out. Wait it out either until something changed, the children grew up or forever.
Maria accepted that being miserable or bored was something she had to put up with.
She had already lived in this turmoil for a few years. More recently though constant flip-flopping back and forth was draining and started to affect how she reacted towards the children.
She would tell herself “LIFE IS TOO SHORT” “YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE” – yet that use to just confused her even more and made her feel more depressed.
She asked me “Nicola, does this mean I need to stay or go? ”
To which I replied, “It does not mean either. It means that what you must do NOW is focus on creating greater happiness in your life, in your relationship, and then see.”
It’s difficult to make a decision on anything in life when we are deeply unhappy or caught up in a negative spiral of thoughts… or our partner is for that matter.
Two miserable people will create more misery. If one or both are happy the chances are much stronger of knowing what to do and getting the clarity you seek…
Having helped hundreds of people now through various challenges in their life, I believe the core of change must start with our own health and happiness. That’s my first piece of marriage advice for happiness.
Worrying or feeling low and not taking any action is not going to get better over time. You don’t get excitement, passion, desire, interest by waiting – It’s something you create.
Maria joined the online program and worked out to be more attracted to her husband. He would need to smell better, shower more and always keep fresh breath. Appreciate her efforts more.
Together they would need to:
- Talk about more interesting things than work
- Make more time for each other without being on their phones all night
- Later when he joined the program and listened to the audios – she found that he wanted
- How tired he is from work
- To do more fun and exciting things together
- To have more physical intimacy
They started focusing on these and REALLY listening and things changed for them very quickly.
When you make an effort in any area of your life – typically that area goes well… you excel. Think about your fitness, health, work or other achievements you are proud of. The chances are you put in effort, gave it your focus and set a plan of steps.
So why don’t we always out in the effort required for our relationships?
Often (not always) it can be our thoughts that get in our way.
- Why am I in this relationship?
- What am I doing here?
- Is this right for me?
- Shall I stay or go?
- Why is it always me?
- Why am I giving and getting nothing back?
Let me tell you, it is natural and normal to question a relationship – we all do it. However, if the same thoughts keep resurfacing and it is affecting your relationship, your health, work and any children, then start moving towards steps that create more happiness.
If you want to be happy in your marriage ACT.
Either alone or with your spouse. You don’t have to wait for them.
A lack of attraction is often linked to relationship boredom. I made a mistake thinking my relationship was over because I was so bored with them and their habits.
I didn’t know at the time that Boredom is something a person can choose and therefore has the power to change.
There are literally thousands of ways to create more spice in your life and marriage… so many wonderful things that you can do to ensure that happiness and passion increases. When happiness, excitement, and love are there attraction and passion will follow.
Having made this error in a previous relationship myself, my wish is that you see boredom for what it is, a cop out! If you haven’t worked on changing things with your spouse… now is the time.
If you’re losing interest or feeling stuck on whether to stay or leave your marriage take action and get support. Often the hardest part in change is the first step, but those that do something often don’t regret it. Whether it’s a self-help book, talking to close friends or family, or another solution – find something you trust.
If you would like to find out more about the online group program you can by clicking here.
I hope sharing this story you are inspired to create a plan for your marriage.
Our thoughts, feelings of boredom and emotions are gifts – USE them.
Use them to guide you towards what you need to do and change.
From my heart to yours, Nicola
This article originally appeared at http://savemymarriageprogram.com/2016/10/12/loss-of-attraction-marriage-advice/.
Nicola Beer is a UK certified grief and loss specialist, a leading authority on relationship psychology and divorce, an international best-selling author in 4 books and has been featured on ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox News Network and Wall Street Select. She works with couples to save their marriage or if divorce has been decided she helps individuals to minimize the stress, anxiety and chaos divorce can bring. Which including strategies to help children through, and how to thrive emotionally and financially after.
People from all over the world schedule private skype or tele-sessions with Nicola Beer or thousands seek her counsel by listening to her audio podcast show “Divorce Talk with Nicola Beer” available on iTunes or by downloading her free e-books 10 Steps to Creating a New Life After Divorce” and “Protect Children Through Divorce. on her website http://savemymarriageprogram.com.