I’m a single mom of two little girls. This last Christmas marked two years since my ex-husband left us back in 2013 for one of his coworkers. Since then I’ve met and dated (a few guys, but…) the most perfect man I’ve ever known, only to have been dumped by him two weeks ago. We were introduced by mutual friends, we hit it off immediately and dated long distance for 9 months. I wanted to marry him, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted that. So we split. I’m heartbroken (again) and looking for ways to carry on with my life like a woman who isn’t co-dependent and desperate to find a loving husband for myself and father for my sweet little babes.

This heartbreak has opened my eyes to something though. It’s crushingly painful and most days are a struggle to keep my crap together, but as I’m trying SO HARD to turn all my focus to my Father in heaven for comfort I’ve realized I am seriously lacking in the FAITH department. This revelation is a blessing.

I’ve been a Mormon my whole life. As a Christian, my whole religion revolves around my savior Jesus Christ, repentance, and living joyfully as we strive to emulate Him. I’ve gone through bouts of inactivity throughout my teen and early adult years, always in the back of my mind knowing the real path my life should be on. Once I had children though, that seemed to confirm my life’s course. Having children placed an intense mantel on my shoulders to live faithfully to the teachings I knew to be true. As I have strived to live by those teachings, I’ve seen blessing and miracles in my life that confirm to me the literal existence of a loving and mindful God.

Unfortunately, my faith ebbs and flows. It is honestly as simple as this: if I incorporate scripture study and prayer into my daily routine, I am happier, kinder, more patient, and my life is BETTER. When I get lazy, prideful, or even just forgetful for too long and don’t read my scriptures and do things I need to do to draw near to my savior, the spring in my step fades. I’m less positive. I’m impatient. And in this current time in my life, as I’ve done it again… and I’ve found myself unable to bear the heartache of this break-up. I know it sounds dramatic and juvenile. But matters of the heart are where I struggle in life. Money doesn’t scare me. Travel and adventure don’t scare me. People don’t scare me. But my whole life, I’ve been SO afraid to let men see the real me. I’ve been so afraid of rejection. My first marriage really amplified some of those fears though and that’s been a whole new equation to figure out.

So anyway… I feel things deeply, like a lot of women do. But as I’ve cried alone in my room, I’ve cried out to God. I’ve cried to Him and begged Him to bring back the guy. Change the guy’s mind. Make the guy see!!..Then when that didn’t work, I’d search my scriptures because I was grasping at things I knew were supposed to bring me peace. But then that wasn’t working either. I was still crying, still hurting, still saying to God “PLEASE take this pain. PLEASE help me stop hurting. PLEASE stop trying to teach me lessons. I don’t want to grow. I want to stay right here, with Guy, in my little 3 bedroom apartment, working really hard to get by, but happily sleeping next to Guy every night.”

I felt fear, panic, and the ultimate…rejection. As I clung to the lessons I’ve been taught by God in life so far (basically that obedience to his commandments brings blessings and joy), I started to pick up on this not so new concept of faith. A theme I noticed in my recent scripture study is that faith comes before the miracle. I’ve heard that before. But have you ever considered the miracle that is repentance? I hadn’t. In all my doubting and worrying and fearing for the future, I was lacking faith that God was mindful of me and was leading me to where He wanted me to be. With that lack of faith comes an inability to repent which is something we must do daily to remain close to the spirit.

DUH! I could be preaching to the choir here, but a light bulb sure went on for me at that moment. So, here I am, growing my faith. I’m growing my faith through scripture study, lots of prayer, and a very serious effort to rid my thoughts of negativity and self-doubt. I’ll let you know how it goes…


This article originally appeared at https://www.blurofblondes.com/i-think-that-im-lacking-in-faith/.

Paige Gorman is a divorced and recently remarried Mormon. Her first husband’s adultery and abandonment seemed like something only possible in fiction to her as she became a single mother of two toddlers at only 26 years old. As time passed, she realized the events that took place in her life were common all across her social network. Close friends and casual acquaintances, hurting from similar trials, began reaching out for support as the details of her divorce went public. Paige continues to inspire others through her blog Blur of Blondes (http://www.blurofblondes.com/).