So the stats are high 1 in 3 couples are now heading for the Divorce courts, the average marriage lasting between 3 and 10 years, increasingly though those in the over 50's are suddenly becoming single after possibly being married over 20 years. And second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. All these people becoming a statistic, making the lawyers rich and themselves playing catch up.
This got me thinking do people really think about the impact of Divorce? Or is it a knee jerk reaction from bad communication, or that age old adage the grass is greener, which of-course invariably it never really is. All these men and women that walk away from their marriages, giving up their homes and families because they have fallen out of love and in love with their romantic interest, which 9 times out of 10 starts as an harmless flirtation at work, and very quickly builds into can't keep away from each-other, & hands off each-other love affair. (I use the word love here loosely), I would rather use the term infatuation but somehow it doesn't go with affair, and so I will stick with love …
So let's imagine its the day before the man or woman decides to leave, as they sit and contemplate their future, planning their escape route and working out where they are going to go, how they are going to fund it, and dreaming up ways on how to make their lover happy, with dreams of living happily ever after, away from their mediocre life, that they have been dragging their feet to come home too every-night. The sense of excitement is too much for them, as they try to hide some guilt by pouring another drink, and stare at the four walls that have felt like a prison for far too long. And in their mind, they say to themselves,
"one more day, just one more day and I will be free. "
They would have already worked out with their lover what they are going to say to their partner, chapter and verse they would have gone over every detail on what to say, which would go something like this " I'm leaving you, no there isn't anyone else, I just don't think this is working and I need to be on my own to work things through by myself ", its very rare that people tell the truth, that would be too hard for them, to face the reality of what they have actually done, so they lie to soften the blow of the deceit. Funnily enough, it's mainly the women that cover up deceit; they are not very good at being open and honest about affairs that generally start at work. So they keep their poor old husband in the dark, because they are not sure if their lover is going to walk away from his marriage, which invariably he doesn't, because he is one of the clever one's that worked it out, she wasn't worth risking what he had at home … Family.
So she jerks around with her husband's emotions, finds a love nest where her lover visits from time to time, and ends up on her own, depressed and unhappy and full of regrets …. but there is always her faithful husband she can fall back on …
In many cases a marriage can be saved sometimes those that have reacted badly by starting an affair because they have felt unappreciated, or slowly started on that downward spiral of unable to communicate their feelings to their partner, or bringing up children and feeling overwhelmed and tired creating barriers to love and affection. And so this miscommunication manifests into just giving up and throwing in the towel. Thinking it's easier to walk away than fight to save the marriage, too proud to say sorry, and feeling the moment has passed them by to give it one more try, so they push for divorce rather than pulling together to save their history and give it another try.
Regardless of who instigates the divorce, both will have regrets its a natural part of the divorce process, but there is nothing worse than carrying around regret for many years, and so many people have regret years later of things that they would have done differently (particularly if there are children involved), for men, many struggle to form family bonds with the women they meet that have children, they feel guilty and like a spare part never quite fitting in. Always compromising, or worse feeling resentful.
Sometimes the guilt manifests in other way' s toxic behaviors heavy drinking and smoking, gambling and feelings of low self-esteem and deep depression.
SO LET'S IMAGINE IT'S THE NIGHT BEFORE YOU ARE SITTING THERE CONTEMPLATING LEAVING YOUR MARRIAGE, THIS IS WHAT I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW…
"Your life is never going to be the same again, you are going to spend a couple of years of your life firstly going through a costly divorce, which will shake every foundation of your life, including your emotional well being, your home life and will affect your health, and your working life. You will lose weight; lose friends and a part of your sanity.
Your children will be in the middle of all this, struggling to find their position in your life, feeling abandoned and scared and in the middle of chaos.. (which can go on for years)
As they grow older, you will struggle to reconnect, always feeling an outsider, as they ostracize and play you for walking away, that guilt will turn you into accepting a life of playing catch up, the roles will be reversed, you will need them, but they won't need you …"
SO CAN DIVORCE BE PREVENTED ?
Sometimes people start the process not really sure if they want a divorce, but just know that they can't carry on with how things are. If you still love someone, there is always hope, and every reason to work at a relationship, it is only when a third person has been introduced that I think it makes it impossible to trust again …
I know lot's of people that regret getting divorced, you know sometimes that grass is not always greener, people think they will meet someone, only to find future relationships are fraught with challenges, difficulties and dis harmony.
Do I believe in love standing the test of time … I Do.
This article originally appeared at https://singledate1.wordpress.com/2016/01/20/i-do/ . Teresa Welch has been active in the Dating Industry long before there were matchmaking sites. Her career spans nearly 20 years playing cupid to those looking for love. Teresa blogs as " Suddenly Single ."