“I can’t stop crying I miss him so much. I feel like I’ll never get over it!” Clara sobbed during our recent coaching session.
Her husband of 5 years had left again and it looked like the end of their marriage. But Clara couldn’t let go.
During most of the session, she talked about how amazing the first few years were with him. She explained in great detail how often he told her he loved her, how much they cuddled together and how it was all perfect in those early years.
But then they began fighting and this last year was the worst. He refused to make plans with her for New Year’s Eve even though she told him that it was very important that they go out together. The last straw was when he wanted to vacation in Florida by himself. To her, a vacation with the two of them was how to recharge and reconnect as a couple which apparently he didn’t want to do.
After the blowup about the vacation, she told him to leave and that they were finished. Now she regrets it and keeps texting him, wanting to reconnect.
As we talked, it was clear that she was living in the illusion of what her relationship used to be and not what it was right now. In her mind, she relived each time he said “I love you,” even though he hadn’t done so for several years.
Clara is not unlike many of us who go through a breakup or divorce.
We live in the “what was” and “what could have been” and not what is actually showing up in the present moment.
We live in “I want you to be a certain way for me to be happy” and it’s apparent that our partner doesn’t want to be that person.
You can’t possibly move on if you’re stuck in the past and wanting someone to be whom they aren’t.
If you’re struggling with letting go after a breakup, here are some suggestions to help you move on even though you might think you can’t…
1) Bring yourself into the present moment and don’t get hooked by the past.
When you live in the past, you are keeping the struggle, anxiety, and regret of the breakup alive because you keep reliving it. Whether you’re focusing on the good times or the bad times, the past is the past.
If you are expecting someone to be who they don’t want to be, you are waging a losing battle. Know that all you have is this present moment and when you start living from that place, you’ll begin to feel better.
2) Your thoughts create your feelings so let them pass through.
If you’re going through a breakup, it’s natural that you’ll have a myriad of feelings which might include anger, rage, fear, regret, sadness, or even depression.
You may have heard the advice to “feel your feelings” and we certainly recommend that as well. Buried feelings turn into numbness and a lack-luster life or can erupt at times when you don’t want them to.
Your feelings come from your thoughts even though you may not be aware of them. We suggest that you see your feelings flowing through your body much like a stream.
While we’re not in control of our thoughts or our feelings, we can let them flow through without attaching to them and repeatedly relive them which keeps anxiety alive.
3) Find something to be grateful about.
Finding something to be grateful about probably doesn’t come naturally to you right now but if you do take a few minutes to do it, you will start to see how your mood can lift and life can look so much better.
Just start with being grateful for one thing in your life and savor that one thing. It can be something as small as a delicious cup of coffee, your child’s face in the morning or a pair of shoes you love. Focus on the feeling inside you as you think about this and see how you can start to feel a bit uplifted.
4) Be kind to yourself.
When you’re going through a breakup, it’s tempting to wallow in self-pity. We’ve all done it! But if you stay there, you aren’t being kind to yourself.
Mourning the end of a relationship is normal and natural but the longer you stay there, you’re putting your life and your happiness on hold.
Know that no matter what you’re feeling or what you’ve gone through, at the core of who you are is well-being.
The more you can remember that and actually do something every day to love yourself, the easier this transition will be.
Being kind to yourself can mean taking a walk in a park, watching a funny movie with a friend, or getting lost in a good book.
We invite you to do something each day that you consider being kind to you.
The truth is that you will come through this breakup or divorce and life can look bright again. Only you can decide how you go through it.
In 1997, Susie and Otto Collins were just two acquaintances who were just coming out of flat, painful long-term marriages that had ended in divorce. Shortly after that, they had a “Soulmate experience” and as they say “the rest is history.” They are now coaches and mentors to thousands of men, women, and couples all over the world who want to have more love, passion, and connection in their relationships, marriages, and lives. They’ve written and created some very successful and helpful books, courses and programs including “Magic Relationship Words”, “Should You Stay or Should You Go?”, Stop Talking On Eggshells”, “Relationship Trust Turnaround”, “Hypnotize His Heart” and many others. You can learn more about Susie and Otto at https://susieandotto.com.