When people get to the stage of seeking help for the dissatisfaction or conflict in their marriage, they often wonder “Did I marry the wrong person?” or “Did I marry right or well?” These are common thoughts many share with me that they struggle with. So, how do you know if you have? Is there such a thing as ‘the one’ or the ‘right’ person?
When you first meet someone it’s easy. You fall in love and you see only the positive facets of that person. They are the focus of your energies and you want to spend all your time with them, finding out about them and sharing your own hopes and dreams for the future. Affection and intimacy come easily and you will readily give your undivided attention to that person. Being with them emotionally, physically and sexually is amazing and you can lead yourself to believe that it will never change. The reality is far from this. Every relationship changes and the overwhelming desire to be with one another does change. Mainly because it is not new anymore.
Whether you choose to accept that is a different matter. If you believe that a marriage that started in this way should continue to always be the same then you will probably continue to search for that throughout your life. You will be searching for ‘Mr/Mrs. Right’ to no avail going through the cycle time and time again. It doesn’t exist. We change, our partner changes and therefore the relationship will always change. The key is learning to adapt to the change and grow together rather than apart. But our society reinforces this need for ‘the one’ and we find ourselves in this perilous passage trying to find them (well I use to anyway!). We then have such unrealistic expectations of what a marriage should look like. The idealizations we have can often be unrealistic. Especially if we never even share our expectations with our partner, how can they know what we truly want? Often we forget this and get frustrated or become disengaged…
You may find yourself becoming irritated by things that you once found endearing. A touch from your partner may feel more annoying than affectionate. Things that once came so easily now just feel like hard work. The relationship that you find yourself in can feel far removed from those early days. You may have feelings of resentment or even anger towards your partner.
When your marriage gets to this stage it’s no wonder that you are asking the question of whether you married the right person. It can be too easy to blame your partner for your unhappiness in the marriage. Those that tend to do this often start to look outside the marriage for ways of finding happiness. This could be in the form of new ventures, activities, friendships and of course new intimate relationships. Without addressing what is actually happening within your marriage these outside activities will naturally be destructive. Even if you allow yourself to fall in love with someone else you will ultimately end up back in the same situation in time. This isn’t the solution for long-term relationship happiness.
Marrying the wrong spouse isn’t really the issue!
It’s more to do with YOU being the right person and more about what lies within your marriage. Whilst that initial flurry of love comes so easily, love in the longer terms takes work and attention. It takes time, and you have to know what to do to make your love enduring. It isn’t a passive experience. You truly have to put effort into it. You have much more control over changing aspects of your relationship than you think. You need to examine what it is you really need to receive and give instead of looking for the rights and wrongs in your marriage. Identify what it is that is making you unhappy and subsequently what is it that you to need to start to see a change in. These are much more productive ways to ensure an enduring love. If you don’t learn how to overcome resentment, conflicts, disappointment or frustration then it is likely in your next relationship the same issues will come up and you will get stuck again.
Like many things in life, there are common factors and themes that are key to success and the same applies to a successful and loving marriage. You need to understand the habits, actions, and mindset that are required to keep love, trust, and passion alive. If you can gain a greater appreciation and understanding of these, then you can make your marriage stronger and happier.
This is so essential I cover it in both the one to one and online the save my marriage programs. In order to keep the loving relationship you and I deserve, you must first de-clutter the mind from resentment, jealousy, insecurity, trust issues, negative thoughts, excessive anger and addictive patterns and then focus on recreating the happiness, passion, and closeness.
So before you ask yourself “Did I marry the right or wrong person?” First ask yourself: “Am I being the right person for this marriage to flourish?” “Have I done ALL I can to make things work?”
This is a really important area, so if you have any questions about it you would like to ask me, message me today.
From my heart to yours, Nicola
This article originally appeared at http://savemymarriageprogram.com/2016/11/09/did-i-….
Nicola Beer is a UK certified grief and loss specialist, a leading authority on relationship psychology and divorce, an international best-selling author in 4 books and has been featured on ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox News Network and Wall Street Select. She works with couples to save their marriage or if divorce has been decided she helps individuals to minimize the stress, anxiety and chaos divorce can bring. Which including strategies to help children through, and how to thrive emotionally and financially after.
People from all over the world schedule private skype or tele-sessions with Nicola Beer or thousands seek her counsel by listening to her audio podcast show “Divorce Talk with Nicola Beer” available on iTunes or by downloading her free e-books 10 Steps to Creating a New Life After Divorce” and “Protect Children Through Divorce. on her website http://savemymarriageprogram.com.