It’s often very easy to get into a relationship or even a marriage, but when you’re blindsided by a partner who wants out, the pain is usually devastating.
Rejection is never easy and if you’re like most people, when this happens, you find yourself stuck in thinking about the past, wondering what went wrong, and unable to move from the pain of not knowing.
The only thing to realize in this moment is that holding onto what was and what could have been will not help you move past the suffocating pain.
One of the best pieces of advice we can give you is to allow yourself to grieve for your loss but take steps toward leaving the past behind and don’t carry old “baggage” into the new life you would like to have.
We have each been through the break-up of a major, long-standing relationship and have come to appreciate those times in our lives—even though both divorces were very painful.
We each, in our own ways, learned how to begin healing by not burying our feelings and to start moving toward what we wanted most in our lives instead of living in the past. It’s this information and what we’ve learned in working with people in similar situations that we’d like to share with you.
To help you climb out of the “hole” you may have fallen into, here are some ideas to help you move forward in a more empowering way…
1) Grieve but don’t stay stuck there
Living in what was, what could have been, or what you thought your relationship or marriage was, is certainly seductive because it’s familiar but it will not help you have a clear mind to move forward.
Yes, take time to mourn and cry the loss of the relationship. You can set aside some time each day to do that. But also take a few moments to focus on your breathing and recognize that you are okay at the moment and still breathing.
When you keep coming back to the present moment, just taking one breath at a time, you will get through this tough period. If it’s suffocating in your home that you shared, take a walk, take in nature, go out somewhere and breathe. And keep breathing.
2) Don’t make up “stories” that you don’t know if they’re true or not
At a time like this, it’s easy to have all kinds of thoughts run through your head about why this happened, blame yourself for not seeing it or not being “good enough” and certainly blaming your partner for falling out of love with you.
These are just thoughts and the less you attach to them the easier your transition will be.
Our advice—Stick to the facts you know about your situation because if you start analyzing and making up reasons why it happened, it will keep you stuck and in a state of stress.
Sure, it can certainly be helpful to look back and see where you each could have done things differently but continuing to go over and over “mistakes” will not help you move forward.
You may never truly know what went “wrong” but continuing to dwell on it and trying to figure it out will keep you in pain—which we’re guessing is what you don’t want.
3) Get support that is healthy for you
When you’ve been blindsided by divorce or your partner leaving, it’s normal to seek out people who will listen to all the gory details and support you in what a raw deal you got.
While this can certainly be comforting (and we all need a little of that), only being with those people will keep you in a deep, miserable hole.
If you need support, get the help of a coach or therapist and surround yourself with positive people who will help you to look forward instead of backward.
While you may not feel like being around people, it’s helpful to recognize moments during your day when you feel “normal” and not thinking about what happened.
If you start to recognize these moments, they will get more and more frequent. That doesn’t mean that you “forget” the good parts of your relationship, but it does mean that you will live more in the possibilities of the present moment rather than in regret of what has happened.
Even though you can’t see it now, there is life after divorce and it can be an even better life which has been our experience.
Just remember that you are okay right here, right now no matter what’s going on.
If you find yourself in overwhelm, you’re probably thinking too far in the future or living in the past. Bring yourself into the present moment, take one step at a time and your next step will show itself.
If you do, you’ll be happier and healthier more quickly despite what’s happened.
IIn 1997, Susie and Otto Collins were just two acquaintances who were just coming out of flat, painful long-term marriages that had ended in divorce. Shortly after that, they had a “Soulmate experience” and as they say “the rest is history.” They are now coaches and mentors to thousands of men, women, and couples all over the world who want to have more love, passion, and connection in their relationships, marriages, and lives. They’ve written and created some very successful and helpful books, courses and programs including “Magic Relationship Words”, “Should You Stay or Should You Go?”, Stop Talking On Eggshells”, “Relationship Trust Turnaround”, “Hypnotize His Heart” and many others. You can learn more about Susie and Otto at https://susieandotto.com.