You’re divorced and now you’re ready to meet the right one.
Ok, got it! So many of us are looking for love, part deux.
But are you putting your best self forward? Or are you sabotaging romance before a spark can set aflame?
It’s not unusual for people to go out into the world bitter, afraid and slightly jaded after a divorce or any major breakup really. The key is really going out there and meeting people when you are truly your best self. Here are 8 serious signs you are sabotaging your love life all on your own.
1) A Billion Things on the Checklist
Before you’ve even met the person, you’ve got a billion things on the checklist someone needs to meet or you won’t consider him or her.
If your list of criteria is so stringent it is enviable to college application requirements, you’re not ready.
Yes—you should have deal breakers in your list.
Yes—you shouldn’t settle.
But no, it shouldn’t require jumping through hoops to be with you.
2) A Great Big Dump
Are you joining dates for a drink, only to prattle on about your ex or how jaded or torn you are about love and relationships?
You’re not ready. You’re a big hot mess of negativity and sorry, no one wants that.
No one wants to date your sad stories. A potential partner wants to date you—the available loving, you. Sure, you come with baggage like everyone does, but if your baggage arrives at the date before your personality can…you are not ready!
3) A Big Clingy Clingeroo
I went on a date with this guy who was ready to hold my hand before I sat on the barstool.
Meanwhile, we had only exchanged a few online messages.
He was a stage 5 clinger.
Another guy came on so strong, I was afraid…for my life, and so I canceled date number two.
Yes—be excited and be engaged and want to get to know the person…
But no, don’t make demands or make this person your soul life. If you do that, the person could back away.
4) A Hop-in the Sack
If you want casual sex, ok. No judgments.
But if you want a relationship, you can’t hop in the sack right away and expect commitment and love. That stuff builds over time. You need to have sex when you are ready for the chance that you could get hurt or that the person could back out.
Doing so too quickly can injure the relationship’s chances of growing.
5) A Hot & Cold Zone
Are you hot and into a person…and then drift off?
The whole “hot and cold” stuff kills everything.
Why you’re doing that, I don’t know. Maybe you’re afraid. Maybe you’re seeing other people and “deciding.” Maybe you’re dealing with serious life stressors.
In any event, if you’re doing the whole back and forth thing with a potential partner…you need to figure out why, and cut it out! You could ruin something really beautiful. Each time you push away a great catch, you diminish that person’s feelings for you and you truly only have yourself to blame.
6) A Share All
Sharing everything about yourself with someone you literally just met is too much. Selectively and slowly reveal as you get to know the other person. If you share too much the other person could feel overwhelmed and unable to understand whom you truly are as a person.
Think of yourself as a beautiful present to unwrap. Share your soul and body as you are ready…in layers and as your connection builds.
7) An Assumption
Do you think everyone is as bad as your ex? Or that perhaps, love sucks and no one is faithful, happy, etc., etc., etc.?
If that’s you, you’re killing your love life, assuredly.
These types of negative and toxic feelings don’t belong in love. They belong being dealt with on your own. Once you can be positive, you can be loved and love back!
8) A Puzzle
In the same vein as telling too much, if you tell too little or make it difficult for others to get to know you…or make plans with, why are you even bothering to date? It doesn’t make sense. You’re not a murder mystery on television or a novel. If you want to remain unknown, you’re not ready to be with anyone.
If you find yourself constantly dumped, not getting asked out again or not connecting with others, take a deep look inside yourself and ask yourself what you might be doing to hurt your chances at love. You deserve to be loved and to love—make sure you put your best foot forward and not your worst mug shot ahead of you!
Laura Lifshitz is a pint-sized, battery-operated, writer, comedienne, and single mother. Laura will work for chocolate. The former MTV personality and Columbia University graduate is currently writing about divorce, sex, women’s issues, fitness, parenting, marriage and more for the New York Times, DivorceForce, Women’s Health, Redbook, Working Mother, Pop Sugar, Your Tango and numerous other sites. Her own website is frommtvtomommy.com.