One of the worst parts about divorce and separation is the initial marching band that’s going off in your brain, and no—this isn’t a nice “in-tune” band. There’s like a cacophony of clashing notes…a melody in constant “minor” and the feeling as if your brain never shuts the heck up. How do you, after the divorce papers are signed and you’re walking out into the world as a newly single Mr. or as Ms., find some peace as you make a whole new life?
You adopt mental mantras that you say daily, or as needed, in order to fool both you and your brain into believing you’ll be ok because guess what? You will be! You just need to make yourself believe so.
1) For the Discouraged: This Too Shall Pass:
It was my saying of the summer! I am still saying it.
You will encounter some new hardships as a divorced person and if you have kids, they’ll also be going through major changes.
As hard as things are today, remind yourself that they won’t be around tomorrow.
Indeed in time, everything changes.
This too SHALL pass. Repeat.
2) For the Brand New Single Parent: I Am Only One Person:
I tell my daughter this often.
I am only one person, with one set of hands. Be patient.
Be patient with yourself. Be patient as you adjust to doing things on your own. Be patient as you learn a new rhythm.
You are a parent and you will f*ck up sometimes. It’s okay. The world doesn’t rest on your shoulders. Your kids will learn from your strengths and how you handle adversity.
3) For The One Who Feels Unworthy To Be Loved: I Am Worthy of Love, Today. Right, This Minute:
Right this very second, you are lovable. You are loved. You are worthy of giving and receiving love.
You left a bad marriage in order to have a better life. You are strong enough to change and brave enough to take chances.
Damn it, you are worthy of love today—right now!
4) For The One Dealing With The Nasty Ex: He/She Will Reap What He/She Sows & Remember: a miserable person likes to make others miserable. Your nasty ex will reap what he or she sows karmically and in the energy, he or she puts out to others. You don’t need to respond back with nastiness, in kind.
5) For The One Dealing With The Nasty Ex, Part II: Let It Go:
When it comes to “Let it go,” what I mean is, don’t let your ex-get to you. It’s exactly what he or she wants to do, trust me. Shake it off. Let him or her absorb his or her own negative energy and walk away. Doing so will make you happier and stronger.
6) For The One Dealing With Gossipy People: People Who Mind Don’t Matter; People Who Matter Don’t Mind:
There will indeed, be people gossiping about your divorce. A divorce is like gossip gold! People love to sling responsibilities and theories around as if it’s their job.
Don’t mind them. They’re sad, small-minded people who feel bored with their lives and have no internal sustenance or intelligence to create an interesting inner and outer world of their own.
They don’t know what really happened. Your friends and family are the ones who will know and not talk crap.
Stay away from gossip hounds and tell your kids to as well. The reality is this is a good life lesson: people talk, but you don’t have to buy into what they’re selling, or allow it to make you feel bad.
7) For The Broken-Hearted: I May Be Alone Today, But I Won’t Be Alone Forever:
Yes, you’re single today and your marriage ended. Ok, you’ll survive. You won’t be alone forever. There will be someone who knows the words to your heartsong, and vice versa. There will be someone who feels and is “just right.”
Remember: Goldilocks had to try out a few chairs, beds and porridge bowls before she found a winner. So will you.
If you’re lucky, it will only take three rounds like it was for her, but if not, still…you won’t be alone!
8) For the One Who Feels Like He/She Can’t Deal With Divorce, Even Though It’s Inevitably Coming Or It’s Done Already: Suck it Up, Buttercup:
You CAN do this! It’s only your mind that’s telling you that you can’t.
Yes, it sucks today, but it won’t suck every day. You’ll be surprised at what you can do when you put your mind to it!
Each and every one of these mantras will help you feel:
- More positive about you
- More positive about the divorce
- More focused on how you need to move forward
It’s all a state of mind, so put your mind in the right state!
Happy divorce to all– see? It’s an attitude…
Laura Lifshitz is a pint-sized, battery-operated, writer, comedienne, and single mother. Laura will work for chocolate. The former MTV personality and Columbia University graduate is currently writing about divorce, sex, women’s issues, fitness, parenting, marriage and more for the New York Times, DivorceForce, Women’s Health, Redbook, Working Mother, Pop Sugar, Your Tango and numerous other sites. Her own website is frommtvtomommy.com .