Love is transformative if you allow it into your life. Some of us allow or have allowed people into our lives when in truth, they aren’t good for us or positive for us. Why? Well, because we often carry our own issues with us that prevent us from making smart choices in love. From low self-esteem to past hurts, sometimes we choose partners through the looking-glass lenses of damaged hearts and minds.
Does this mean that all is lost?
Of course not! Through these poor choices, we can grow. And after divorce is the perfect time to grow and learn from your bad choices. After divorce is the perfect time to take inventory of where you came from, where you are going and how you plan on making different decisions to gain a solid love for the future.
One of the biggest roadblocks I often see with my divorced peers is they don’t believe love is out there or generally, have a bad attitude towards love. So, here are my 5 transformative thoughts I use to allow love and positive things into my life. May it help others to do the same!
1) Your Past Doesn’t Have to Dictate Your Future
“I always meet the bad ones.”
“I always get cheated on.”
Step away from these negative statements and stop buying into them as truths. Yes, in the past you may have married a bad one, but that doesn’t mean your future will go the same way.
Stop assuming that because one or even many bad things have happened to you in love that it will always be that way. It is your assumptions and commitment to negative thinking that are getting in your way!
2) If You Think You Are Worthy, You Will Be
Going around thinking you have nothing to offer or are “too old” or “not thin enough” or “not well-off enough”…all those “not enough” thoughts are damaging!
By thinking you are not worthy, you are making sure others think the same!
When you feel worthy, others see it and mirror back your beliefs.
The problem happens when we feel bad about ourselves; in this way, we attract negative people to us that continue to make us feel bad about ourselves.
When you find worth within yourself, others will notice this.
Make a list of everything you do well. Make a list of all you have to offer someone.
If you can only write down two things, you’re in big, big trouble.
3) You Must Believe It Exists
If you are one of those Negative Nancy’s or Ned’s believing love doesn’t exist, guess what?
It doesn’t exist.
If you want love in your life, you have to believe it is out there. Remember—your thoughts are incredibly powerful. They can trick you into believing all kinds of falsehoods like, “you’re not deserving” or a good person, etc.
To receive love, you have to be ready for it to come and believe it is possible. Only you can control that factor. How much do you really believe in love?
4) You Have to Be Willing to Give Love, Too
If you want to have love in your life, you need to be ready to give back. You have to be willing to put yourself and your heart and beliefs on the line, in order to get the gift of love in return. If you are selfish or closed off, you’re going to be alone and wondering, “Why am I still single and unhappy?”
When you close yourself off or refuse to comprise or give, you can’t really receive positive and engaging love. Love is a two-way road; it is not a one-way street. It’s a verb…a state of giving. If you can’t give yourself to someone, whether it’s your time, honesty or commitment, you can’t expect to get back anything in return.
5) You Have to Leave Your Past in the Past
You can’t hold onto your bad relationships with one hand and onto someone amazing and positive, in another.
Your hands have to be free to grab on and ride it out with this new situation.
It’s not just believing that your past will not dictate your future, but that you have firmly put your past where it belongs.
Say goodbye to your ex’s, your ill-conceived notions and say hello to new possibilities and people. By doing this, you are an open invitation for love and that my friends is transformative.
Most of love requires patience. Patience to wait for the right one. Patience with the right one who you love. If you are doing this already, you are in a prime position for happiness, but…if you find yourself alone or unhappy, ask yourself if you truly are doing the things I listed. I would be willing to bet that you are not. With a change of habits and self-work, you’ll find that your life can truly turn around for the better!
Laura Lifshitz is a pint-sized, battery-operated, writer, comedienne, and single mother. Laura will work for chocolate. The former MTV personality and Columbia University graduate is currently writing about divorce, sex, women’s issues, fitness, parenting, marriage and more for the New York Times, DivorceForce, Women’s Health, Redbook, Working Mother, Pop Sugar, Your Tango and numerous other sites. Her own website is frommtvtomommy.com.