WHERE THERE’S A WILL THERE’S A WAY
How to get past the problems you’re having and make it work …
The key to strengthening and improving any relationship, especially those that are struggling is honesty. What are you really feeling inside? What do you really want and need? What do you want and need from your partner? What do they want and need? Once both partners can face the facts and be completely honest and truthful with themselves they are half-way there.
Save Your Marriage TIP 1: TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT?
You no doubt know this phase from the 1996 hit song Wannabe by the Spice Girl’s. Why is this phrase relevant? It’s simple. The key to getting what you want in life begins with really knowing what you want and just as importantly, what your partner wants. However, before you even begin to contemplate what your partner wants, ask yourself what is it that you really want.
If you could have anything in life right now, what would you want? When it comes to working on your relationship, is saving it what you really want? If it is then there are ways to make it work, so long as you are willing to put in any effort required and give without expecting something in return.
Be aware though that one or both of you may subconsciously not want to save it and you could end up sabotaging your efforts to make it work if that is the case. Sometimes what we think we want in life is not what we really want on a subconscious level. So, take the time to really reflect on this question and listen to your heart. Follow your intuition for it really does know what’s best for you. Napolean Hill talks about the importance of clarity in the first chapter of his book ‘Think and Grow Rich’ citing that in order to get what we want we must have purpose, persistence and a burning desire. Do you and your partner have a burning desire to strengthen and save your relationship? If you and your partner are both on the same page and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, then you will find a way. No one said it’s easy, but where there’s a will, on the conscious and subconscious levels, and unity between both partners, there is most definitely a way.
Save Your Marriage TIP 2: RELEASE TENSION AND REMAIN CALM
When someone tells you to ‘calm down’ more often than not those very words can send even a semi-agitated person into a highly agitated state. It’s as if those words alone do the exact opposite and generate an even stronger reaction. Yet remaining calm and being in a relaxed state is so important in life, more so when you are going through any type of stressful situation. If you sense tension is building up in your body and you are becoming overly irritated, more so that usual, there are various tools and techniques you can use in the privacy of your home to dissipate tension and calm yourself down.
For somewhat works is to say or shout all the things that are bothering you about your partner whilst looking at a photo of them. Let it all out. Talk to the photo as if you were talking to him or her in person. Once you are finished you should instantly feel better. By the time you actually see them in person, you are more likely to have gained perspective and be able to talk through the issue without getting worked up. In the anger management sessions, I run venting your frustration by hitting a pillow can also be effective.
Breathing can easily change a state, by taking long slow deep breaths and mentally choosing to let it go. I always like to ask myself can I control their behaviour or the situation. Often the answer is no. So I then simply wish it away.
Journaling or emailing a friend can help. Every person I work with has unlimited email access to contact me anytime of day. Which they find helpful to release stress and tension.
Save Your Marriage TIP 3: REMEMBER THAT WHAT YOU REAP YOU SOW
It’s an old saying but this phase should be something you remind yourself of on a regular basis. What you give out, you will get back multiplied. If you constantly give out criticism and negative comments then rest assured these will be thrown right back at you. Before you fire off any negative comments, think about what it would be like to receive double the amount of negative comments. Is that something you want?
If you do have something negative that you really do have to say then think about how you can say it to lessen the impact on your partner and yourself. ‘I don’t like it when you ____ if you could do ____ it would make my life so much better.’ Always follow a complaint with a suggestion or possible solution and where possible always end with a compliment about something else they’ve done that did make you smile. Small changes can produce big results. Plus if you can remember to think before you speak and say more positive than negative comments, chances are you’ll have a more positive day.
Save Your Marriage TIP 4. DISSOLVING NEGATIVITY
If negative comments, snide remarks and unkind words are being directed at you then it is imperative that you find a way to protect yourself. Negativity is draining and damaging to you and your closeness. There are several ways to do this. First and foremost, be aware of when and where this is happening to you. For example if your partner always comes home after work angry and negative and your evening starts off with arguments, you can shift it by giving love and attention to them.
This may sound crazy or impossible however no one wants to be aggressive or negative they are hurting and if you are able to show compassion in this time. Wow! the difference this makes in a relationship and your happiness and closeness is key.
Second is to protect yourself have a break if you need to.
The third is to share your ideal unwind from work routine with your partner and vice versa and support each other to achieve this, so your evenings start well.
Save Your Marriage TIP 5: THINK BEFORE SPEAKING
Did you know that we are bombarded with around 70,000 thoughts per day? Sadly most of it is useless clutter. What we need to be aware of when thinking about our relationship is that we think before we speak our thoughts. For some, that is easier said than done. However, as a rule, try to become aware of the thoughts you have and stop yourself before saying something negative that you may later regret. If you are constantly thinking about all the annoying things your partner does or the problems you are having, make a conscious effort to stop those thoughts as soon as they strike.
Make a list of all the things you love about your partner, why you are with them and the things they do that make you happy. When a negative thought comes, immediately remind yourself of what you’ve written. Read and re-read those lists. Change the direction of your negative thoughts to positive ones and you’ll have a shot at changing the outcome of your relationship. Being positive doesn’t always solve real problems but it is a step in the right direction. Once you are feeling calm and centered it is a lot easier to start to think about solutions to the problems you are facing. At the end of the day, ask yourself, were the thoughts I had three hours ago still a big issue now or have they faded into the background. How many irrelevant and damaging words are said in the heat of the moment when they could have been so easily avoided?
Strengthening and even saving a relationship is possible if we are willing to put in the effort to fix it, be honest with ourselves, really listen to the needs and wants of our partners and if we can take complete responsibility for the decisions we made, the actions we took and the things we say – for as we know, what we put out in the world, will come back to us multiplied. Be truthful but be kind and always try to come up with a solution to any given problem you are facing.
I hope this has been useful to you. From My heart to Yours, Nicola
This article originally appeared at http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/2017/05/06/how-to-save-a-marriage/.
Nicola Beer is a UK certified grief and loss specialist, a leading authority on relationship psychology and divorce, an international best-selling author in 4 books and has been featured on ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox News Network and Wall Street Select. She works with couples to save their marriage or if divorce has been decided she helps individuals to minimize the stress, anxiety and chaos divorce can bring. Which including strategies to help children through, and how to thrive emotionally and financially after.
People from all over the world schedule private skype or tele-sessions with Nicola Beer or thousands seek her counsel by listening to her audio podcast show “Divorce Talk with Nicola Beer” available on ITunes or by downloading her free e-books 10 Steps to Creating a New Life After Divorce” and “Protect Children Through Divorce. on her website http://savemymarriageprogram.com.