Rejection is painful no matter where it comes from, but it is especially hurtful when it comes from your partner… The one that knows you the most and is meant to love ALL of you deeply. Rejection is one of the hardest feelings to experience because it often plays on your mind non-stop, like a stuck broken record… scratching away at you and your sanity.
This is how it used to be for me anyway and having supported 1000’s of people now, I know I am not alone.
My partner would rather watch re-runs of TV than want to spend time or make love to me. It hurt. As he sat there glued to the TV and his laptop day after day, night after night. I felt angry, frustrated and alone.
Then the real gremlins crept in, I started to wonder what is wrong with me. Was I unattractive, perhaps too fat, too old, too boring or could there be someone else? I would spiral into negative doubts about myself.
Then at the same time, I would shift the blame back to my partner. “There is something wrong with him,” I would say to myself he was an addict, a geek, abnormal and lazy.
The more I switched back and forth from self-blame to blame the more low energy I was pumping into our relationship and my life. It was like I was poisoning myself from the inside out, with no antidote to save me or us. The whole relationship felt doomed and my self-esteem plummeted. I felt wounded and could not shake it.
I remember searching online for some support and stumbled along an article that gave advice saying to
1) Sit your partner down and tell them how horrible they are making you feel.
2) Let them know how much pain they are causing
3) Tell them you want more attention, affection, and intimacy
I spoke to well-meaning friends and they said the same thing. Talk it through and point out to him what he is doing wrong…
So I did.
It backfired on me massively.
I didn’t know back then what I do now otherwise I NEVER would have followed it.
He felt attacked and “our talk” pushed us further apart. Of course, he already knew something had shifted in our relationship and he didn’t need it thrown back in his face. After “the talk” we both started analysing the relationship and each other’s behaviour, even more, watching out for any negative signs and actions.
When you look for something you find it!
Small things become big things!
We started to drift further apart, until it was more comfortable to live separate lives, in separate rooms. Low-frequency energy was pouring into the home and relationship like smoke from a fire, drowning us.
I failed to see back then, that my way of handling rejection was making the whole situation worse. That I was lighting this fire we were choking on.
Since then I have been on an extensive transformational 9-year journey of healing, research, and self-discovery. During these years I studied psychology, relationships, counseling, hypnotherapy, meditation, cellular healing, life coaching, conflict resolution, grief and loss, yoga and that’s not all of it. I spent literally 1000’s and 1000’s of dollars and even more hours to find out what works and what doesn’t when it comes to transforming a relationship. And now having helped couples all over the world online to rebuild love and trust, I want to share a few tips. These work whether the relationship is suffering from a lack of affection and intimacy, financial conflict, family interference, cultural clashes, addictions or poor communication.
Whilst I cannot help those I support to undo the past and their feelings of rejection, I can support them to let it go, self-soothe and focus on changing what they can control – their energy…
Common Causes of Rejection in a Marriage Are:
– Refusing affection… cuddles, kisses, holding hands
– Withholding sex
– Statements like “I love you but I am not in love with you” or “I don’t deserve your love”
– Lack of quality time given and being present
– N.B. – Rejection from an emotional affair, physical affair or cyber affair requires a different strategy (you are welcome to reach out in private for details on this.)
Here are 3 Steps to Handling Rejection In Relationships
Step #1. Handling Rejection – Self-Care
Many people start to scan and attack themselves after being rejected. Where they think …. there must be something wrong with me, something I am not doing right or they wonder if they are good enough…
Sometimes people punish themselves with addictive habits that don’t serve them, negative self-talk or other forms of self-attacking. This only creates more harm to oneself and the relationship. In order to counteract the pain of rejection, we need to boost our self-esteem and self-love even more. Being nurturing and kind to ourselves is the only way to bring back balance into our lives and the relationship.
Think about it this way, if your partner is being unloving… then he or she is putting a low frequency, low vibe energy into the relationship. They are essentially injecting it with an “un-love” vibration/mood. If you then internalise it and also act in an unloving way either towards yourself or them there will be even lower vibe energy in the home and relationship.
If you want to move forward through rejection, then do take self-caring, confidence boosting actions. Do things that make you feel good? You make up 50% of the relationship, and with the right intention and positive energy, you can make 80-90% of the difference.
Step #2. Handling Rejection — Give Without Expectation
As hard as it is, in order to move forward, we must accept the current situation and focus on what we can control – our own actions. You do this through accepting your partner’s behaviour and feelings and move forward in the direction you want. Don’t fight what they say or do, it often pushes them further away.
If you want a loving relationship, there needs to be love flowing in it. So if you want to be treated differently or want your partner to change the only way to do that is to be positive and give love. This makes you far more attractive than being needy or negative.
Step #3. Handling Rejection – Use It As a Sign to Take Action
Rejection is part of life and happens in all relationships from time to time. There will always be an occasion when one of the couple wants more attention, affection, and intimacy and the other is less interested. Don’t take it to heart. They may not be in the mood for a whole host of other reasons. So assume it is temporary and that it will pass.
Low libido is often caused by fear, low mood, work stress and tiredness. Lack of closeness by addictions, losses and significant life changes. Focus on what you can change – you.
Make an effort to create more fun and happy times.
Many men and women that assume the worse get caught up in a drama that the coldness will be permanent or mean’s “the end”. This can cause unnecessary tension and strain in the relationship. If you brush it off as a passing phase and be loving and understanding back, it can often radically transform things.
These 3 things all fall under one key action that I help individuals to do and that is to AWAKEN THEIR LOVE ENERGY – If you have liked what you have read and want to find a whole new way to transform your relationship get access to the FREE MASTERCLASS today. Click here now https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration.
As mentioned if there has been an emotional affair or physical affair in your relationship, you will want to do more than this to rebuild trust and connection. You have my contact details if you want to find out more about this privately.
As always I hope this has been helpful in some way to you.
From my heart to yours, Nicola
This article originally appeared at http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/2017/10/27/handling-rejection-in-intimate-relationships/.
Nicola Beer is a UK certified grief and loss specialist, a leading authority on relationship psychology and divorce, an international best-selling author in 4 books and has been featured on ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox News Network and Wall Street Select. She works with couples to save their marriage or if divorce has been decided she helps individuals to minimize the stress, anxiety and chaos divorce can bring. Which including strategies to help children through, and how to thrive emotionally and financially after.
People from all over the world schedule private Skype or tele-sessions with Nicola Beer or thousands seek her counsel by listening to her audio podcast show “Divorce Talk with Nicola Beer” available on iTunes or by downloading her free e-books 10 Steps to Creating a New Life After Divorce” and “Protect Children Through Divorce” on her website http://savemymarriageprogram.com.