The period after a break-up can be the most challenging for most, it is unchartered waters. No matter who you are and how much you have prepared yourself in life, your heartbreak can be devastating and an experience that feels very heavy and confusing. As I work with women finding their way during this time, there are definite patterns of behavior that are common.


One of these patterns is the 3 most common mistakes women make after a break up:

Mistake #1 – Focusing Your Energy In All The Wrong Places.

After a break-up, it can be so easy to focus on all the things that were done “TO” you and convince yourself what a complete jerk your Ex was and is. You can find yourself obsessing about what happened and trying to figure out why it happened. You may start thinking about who or what your Ex is doing right now and feel like shit because he isn’t doing it with you.

Or on the flip side, it can be easy to say “screw it” and just totally distract yourself from feeling anything at all. You might start dating men like they are going extinct, or even jump right back into another relationship, or start drinking and partying to have “much deserved” fun.

Here’s the thing…choosing to deal with a break up in either of these ways is a huge mistake. You cannot actually heal and move on from obsessing about someone else nor can you do so by distracting yourself from the pain. The only way to the other side is to go through it and a break up is actually a freaking awesome opportunity to focus on YOU. To give yourself some extra TLC, learn a ton about who you are and what you truly desire. Take an honest look at what you need to work on, and “level up” in your life so that you can continue to grow and expand into the woman you have the potential to be.

The more time you take to focus on you after your break up, the better prepared you will be for the type of love you truly desire in your heart. The quicker you will truly be living your life of joy!


Mistake #2 – Gathering A Cheering Squad Instead Of A Mentor.

After a break-up, it can be so easy to gather all the wrong people around you. You know what I am talking about… these people would want to feed fuel to your fire and throw their own opinions all over you. These are the people who will tell you what an asshole your Ex is, that you should really stick it to him and get the revenge you deserve and make sure to make a big deal about every bit of juicy gossip they may happen to hear about your Ex. You will call one of these friends and next thing you know, you are feeling angrier and more resentful than you were when you started the phone call.

The next thing you know, you have been introduced to like fifty other women who just happen to be going through the same thing you are and guess what… each story is worse than the next. It almost feels like it became a competition for who has the worst break-up horror story to share.

This is absolutely NOT what you need right now if you want to heal and move on. What you need is a mentor who has been where you are now and can provide you with guidance and support. Someone who can call you on your own shit, help you see where you can grow, and keep you seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Gathering a cheering squad will do nothing more for you than keep you stuck and spinning around and around while finding a mentor will help you to process, let go, and move on so you can live the life you truly want to be living.


Mistake #3 – Getting Stuck In Telling Your Story Over And Over Again.

This is one of my absolute favorite mistakes to talk about because WE ALL DO IT!!! I can’t even tell you how guilty I was of this. I would literally talk to anyone who would listen to me. Every single one of my five hundred friends, the stranger at the checkout counter, and my therapist knew every single detail of every single thing that transpired. When I look back, I often wonder if I talked about anything else.

Here is why this is a mistake, every time you retell your story, you are reliving and re-experiencing it over and over. There are studies that actually show that this can be traumatizing and work against your ability to heal and move on.

There comes a point where you have to stop!! And this includes therapy. How many weeks, months and years can you really deal with talking about your problems and your past over and over again? At what point do you make the choice to stop putting energy into the past and instead focus on the future?

What about your friends? Look, your real friends want you to feel better. They are probably just indulging you, so if you stop talking about it all the time, they will probably be relieved. And your cheering squad, well, they are just feeding off of your misery. So, stop talking about it. When you absolutely need a friend to vent to or guide you, approach them with intention and let them know… “Hey, I am struggling and I need to talk. But I also need you to help me through it and pull me out at the end.” This way they know their job is not to wallow with you but to keep things in perspective for you!


Mistakes Are A Necessary Part Of Growth!

So ladies, have you been making any of these mistakes? All of them? Be honest with yourself because look it’s okay. We all make mistakes. As a matter of fact, mistakes are a necessary part of learning and growing. They are part of your path to achieving your goals and your awesomeness. Mistakes provide you with necessary feedback so you can see what is not working for you and learn what is. Being able to see where you are working against yourself will allow you the opportunity to shift and try a new way. Your mistakes can help lead you to your goals and your desires!

Here is a previous blog I wrote where I explain more in detail about my mistake. Check out this link.

With love and joy,


This article originally appeared at

Jennifer Butler is a writer and life coach who has navigated through her own divorce as well. To find more of her writing head over to or